-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs