Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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Her: I love Christmas.
Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Cashier: Your total is $3,896
Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump