@omgthatspunny

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

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@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

@Eden_Eats

Cashier: Your total is $3,896

Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99

@Donna_McCoy

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

@TheBoydP

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

@sofarrsogud

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

@4handfuls

AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…

@danwlin

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump