“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
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*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I am yelling
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.