A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.”

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A scared look and a “let me go google that” is not what you want to hear from the gynecologist.


[in catholic church]

Me: can i make a confession

Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU


Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.


WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.


Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.


Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.


Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing


Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating