Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
You Might Also Like
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again