Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
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Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.