A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.

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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.


“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”


Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.

Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.


The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.


i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere


Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]


I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.


Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.


If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible