@SadieSmithRoks

A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.

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@jwoodham

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

@jonnysun

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

@poutinesmoothie

Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.

Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.

@AnniemuMary

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

@leifromloihi

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

@RodLacroix

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

@AintNoFamily

I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.

@_Water_Baby

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

@CodyLane08

If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible