A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche