A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.