@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

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@Cassee999

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

@WheelTod

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

@Cpin42

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

@ShesARealGenius

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

@SketchesbyBoze

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

@beefman138

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

@WheelTod

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

@maisondecris

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this