A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
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A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half