You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Important
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti