@allisonkilkenny

A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic

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@ActualPerson084

INCREASINGLY DESPERATE GOOGLE SEARCH FOR “HOW MANY SHADOWS SHOULD I HAVE?”

@edawg_eric

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

@HughGoesThere

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

@AbleLikes

party at my place – b.y.o.b. (bring your own biocontainment)

@Darlainky

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

@ItsDanSheehan

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

@xysist

Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.