A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Yes, but it was never about money
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra