Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.