Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
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Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend