@Eden_Eats
Cashier: Your total is $3,896
Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99
@GuyBreakup
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
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@Eden_Eats
@RoughNeckNomad
This whiskey tastes like I should tell you what your problem is.
@maurajbg
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
@Cicatrix13
You call it baggage, I call it origin story.
@jonnysun
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
@ObscureGent
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
@aSapCoolDad
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
@isaidwhat_
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
@truegritrumble
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
@Book_Krazy
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!