A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
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When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
They must have gotten it to go.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known