A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
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[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
fly smarter, not harder
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
why isn’t thunder called soundning
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?