A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Erm I’m gonna say no
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.