A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

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Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.


me: hear me out. 100 washers & 100 nuts, but only 99 bolts

ikea ceo: i freakin love it


I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.


PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people


I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful


I just found my old Nokia phone from 2003. It still has 87% battery life left.


Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.


BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.


*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.


someone called Country Music “Farm Emo” and now I can’t unhear that


If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??