@krishna_van

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

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@themiltron

humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too

@Scdavis24

My mom always says “Alcohol is your enemy!”

Jesus says, “Thou shalt love thy enemy.”

@BGH70

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

@matsmoustache

You walk into my bedroom…

I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.

You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.

@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

@iwearaonesie

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

@seandunn76

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

@Playing_Dad

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

@ShoutingGoddess

A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:

I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.

@Pierre__4

The only thing we have to fear is fear itselfnnANDnnWhen a women asks if you notice anything different