A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

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humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too


My mom always says “Alcohol is your enemy!”

Jesus says, “Thou shalt love thy enemy.”


Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.


You walk into my bedroom…

I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.

You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.


(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved


*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*


“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.


I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?


A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:

I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.


The only thing we have to fear is fear itselfnnANDnnWhen a women asks if you notice anything different