A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
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“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
LOOOOOOL
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…