A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
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When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.