@TheAlexNevil

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

You Might Also Like

@iamspacegirl

my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.

@TheBoydP

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

@JohnLyonTweets

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

@Sleinso

Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.

@itsa_talia

i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@Sassafrantz

Thanks for putting your kid on the phone so he could say hi. It changed my life.

@EndhooS

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]