*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

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my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.


Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.


Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!


Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.


i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing


[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*


[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me


Thanks for putting your kid on the phone so he could say hi. It changed my life.


[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]