*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
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Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.