a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
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1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Morning my dudes.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
wow he looks just like him
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.