A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
You Might Also Like
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.