Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My 7yo has a friend over and I’m pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.
my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it.
so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Sometimes I feel like Valentine’s Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.
No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.
Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.