@AlanFelyk
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
@GlennyRodge
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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@AlanFelyk
@JohnLyonTweets
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
@iAmDelFreaky
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
@simly01
Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳
Fridge you’re coming to my room.?
@hangin_out
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
@morgan_murphy
I don’t think I could be a mom. Listening to another person cry all night just seems awful & I wouldn’t want to impose that on a baby.
@solsayswhaaa
The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.
@hunz74
A scientist said that fish will evolve into “flish” & will be able to fly. Now I can’t stop thinking about “flarks, flhales & flea horses.”
@copymama
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
@clichedout
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what