@GlennyRodge

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

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@AlanFelyk

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

@simly01

Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳

Fridge you’re coming to my room.?

@hangin_out

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

@morgan_murphy

I don’t think I could be a mom. Listening to another person cry all night just seems awful & I wouldn’t want to impose that on a baby.

@solsayswhaaa

The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.

@hunz74

A scientist said that fish will evolve into “flish” & will be able to fly. Now I can’t stop thinking about “flarks, flhales & flea horses.”

@copymama

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what