@ArfMeasures Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
@GlennyRodge A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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@ArfMeasures 
@ThugRaccoons Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
@CrockettForReal 13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
@better_off_dad2 16: Why do I have to go to college?
Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.
16: My journey where?
Me: Out of this house.
@TigNotaro Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
@NewDadNotes God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
@alexlumaga Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
@McAttack88 Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
@envydatropic I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts