*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
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My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.