“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
You Might Also Like
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.