A house spider is just a regular spider except it walks with a limp and has a pill habit.

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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say


For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.


I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff


superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?


“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.


I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.


Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?


Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?

Me: I’m hyper observant

Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard

Me: Oh..


My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.