My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
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I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Jogging
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.