a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
That lamp looks PISSED.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
*launders Kohls cash*
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.