a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
girls literally only want one thing..
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Education is vital
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar