@GinAndJif

A hug is basically a mini hostage situation.

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@JPLFR80

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

@Mr_Kapowski

I haven’t cleaned my car in so long that I still have paper maps in my glovebox

@matt_travelling

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

@blondecalamity

Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Son: Oprah!
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!

@MissNaughty1801

Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage

Me: for the last 7 years

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

@DurtMcHurtt

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

@Skoog

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

@markleggett

I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.