@GinAndJif
@JPLFR80
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
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@JPLFR80
@Mr_Kapowski
I haven’t cleaned my car in so long that I still have paper maps in my glovebox
@Lola_Areola
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
@matt_travelling
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
@blondecalamity
Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Son: Oprah!
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!
@MissNaughty1801
Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage
Me: for the last 7 years
@TheAndrewNadeau
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
@DurtMcHurtt
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
@Skoog
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
@markleggett
I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.