Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!