@Mikecanrant

A huge gorgeous butterfly landed on my arm just now. Naturally I screamed and flailed my arms around frantically, but lovely really.

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@WheelTod

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

@HansGrubertron

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

@TheToddWilliams

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

@emceekayvee

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

@TheMichaelRock

Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.

– Local News

@Travon

So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.