I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
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Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
There’s always that one guy
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option