A huge thanks to the person that did this
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Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Just a phase…
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”