How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!