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Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.