Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes