Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay