A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”