@_ElvishPresley_

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

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@PinkCamoTO

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

@suruhh

delete cookies? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?! I LOVE COOKIES.

@Sarcasticsapien

Congratulations, “journalists” who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn’t know you could get a degree in teenage girl.

@Contwixt

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

@whatbabytalk

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

@markydoodoo

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

@Jandalize

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

@lilgapeach30

Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.