@_Water_Baby

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

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@TheTweetOfGod

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

@cwhudson

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

@iwearaonesie

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

@LeannaO

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”