Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
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[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind