*a jerk swings a hammer at me but I dodge and hold up a birdhouse that was one nail shy of being completed*

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once while i was camping in Florida a raccoon got in my car and long story short if you see a raccoon driving a 97 Saturn Wagon DM me


A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.


People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.


If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.


bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road


I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.


R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work



I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.


BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted