@drankturpentine

*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*

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@KentWGraham

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

@SondraDeeMe

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

@leakypod

[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho

@Angel_150913

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

@BatBatshitcrazy

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

@mommy_cusses

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

@FattMernandez

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

@ArfMeasures

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*