Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*
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Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[first day as a zoo tour guide]
kid: do giraffes eat clouds
me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*