If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
You Might Also Like
At least he brought enough for everyone
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog