@drankturpentine

*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*

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@justmiche74

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

@PetrickSara

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

@Mike_Bianchi

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

@huntigula

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

@KattsDogma

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

@Papa_Mex

When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room

@QwertyJones3

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

@sgrstk

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

@Bandersnaaatch

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.