@JimmerThatisAll

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

- @JimmerThatisAll

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?

Me: No.

4: Can I check?

Me: Do you have a warrant?

@Thynebear

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

@seanforhire

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

@LostFelicia

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

@McNarstle

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

@AthenaMystique

*texts god*

Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
God: *they’re

@InternetHippo

Me: An emotionally fulfilling job that also pays enough to live on
Genie: Listen buddy I’m not god

@RxitWounds

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*