@JimmerThatisAll

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

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@cloudypianos

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

@BobGolen

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

@funnyordie

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

@envydatropic

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

@TheHyyyype

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

@karanbirtinna

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

@evidentlyblonde

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”