“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
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The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!