A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

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How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?


All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.


When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…


[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
“A needy board?”


*leans out office door*

Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.

*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*


ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread


Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.


I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.


Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.