@SteveKoehler22

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

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@MichaelTrying

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

@TEXASVETERAN

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

@SummerSongGirl

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

@david8hughes

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

@Laser_Cat

*leans out office door*

Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.

*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*

@SurgicalTurtle

ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread

@sammyrhodes

Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.

@girlontapas

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

@Gooooats

Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.