@MrFornicator

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

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@AndrewChamings

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

@PaperWash

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

@SentenceReduced

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

@PatsATweetin

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

@_Tempo11

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

@trims_the_fat

None of this is appropriate for anybody. Take the 18+ out of your bio.

@pittdave13

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

@Lilblack_heart

god grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change and the courage not to set idiots on fire

@darksidedeb

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

@girlnarly

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then