@muffinlab
What behaviour immediately makes u suspicious of someone? 4 me it’s when they extend their cape w/an arm, then obscure the lower face w/it.
@MrFornicator
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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@muffinlab
@Halbeerz
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
@MrJohnNorris
WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY
@mortimermaiden
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
@AaronFullerton
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
@buck4itt
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
@UnFitz
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
@dave_cactus
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
@PhilJamesson
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke