@AndrewChamings
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
@MrFornicator
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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@AndrewChamings
@PaperWash
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
@SentenceReduced
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
@PatsATweetin
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
@_Tempo11
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
@trims_the_fat
None of this is appropriate for anybody. Take the 18+ out of your bio.
@pittdave13
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
@Lilblack_heart
god grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change and the courage not to set idiots on fire
@darksidedeb
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
@girlnarly
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then