A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.