My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more
A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
[guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary
If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.