A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

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“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school


Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?


How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby


MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!

M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.


People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??


If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.


Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.


If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.


It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.