@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

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@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

@ScottLinnen

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

@themiltron

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

@YuckyTom

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

@UnFitz

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

@causticbob

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

@KeetPotato

[guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son

@craiguito

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

@Sickayduh

I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary

@StephenAtHome

If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.