@WritePlay
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
@underchilde
A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.
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@WritePlay
@scottdedalus
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
@WilliamRodgers
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
@JustDontBugMe
MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!
M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.
@Bownuggets
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
@jannable9
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
@MrPudmansButler
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
@heatherlou_
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
@ariscott
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
@ninjadinosaur1
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.