A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
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I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.