@OfficeLinebcker

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

If you guys don’t hear from your sexy lady friend TC today it’s because he’s spending Father’s Day with his family.

@Angibangie

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

@DaHess1

If you’re a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don’t have to sell you anything.

@KeetPotato

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

@InternetHippo

[my cell phone rings]

ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening

@sreekyshooter

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu