A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive