A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
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I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
do u think theres a butter planet?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Is your wife single?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars