@FeralCrone

A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can’t be too sure.

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@momtransparent1

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

@DwayneDavidPaul

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

@Reel2Dialog2

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

@adamgreattweet

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

@lisaxy424

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

@DanMentos

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

@DanMentos

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

@dafloydsta

Siri, what’s depression?

Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.

@ojedge

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

@TweetsByTheTony

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.