A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can’t be too sure.

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You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”


Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.


Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.


Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh


[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything


my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far


ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss


Siri, what’s depression?

Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.


I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.


If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.